These past few weeks have been hard. I've experienced some high high's and low low's. Right now it just seems like I'm stuck. I'm stuck in this rut of worry, fear, and frustration. While I think about everything to come, my body only seems to respond in tears. I'm worried about the future. What's going to happen in the next year. What about the next semester. Everyone keeps asking me the questions, "Are you transferring?" "Are you staying?" "Are you playing volleyball?" All I can say is I don't know, because I don't. And that frustrates me. I am the type of person that has to have everything written out. Each week is planned, Sunday to Saturday. This is what my schedule looked like today:
Wednesday:
8:00-9:00- Wake up/Get ready/Leave
9:00-10:00- Give Presentation
10:00-11:00- Work on Position Papers
11:00-12:00-Math Review
12:00-1:00- Math Extra Credit
1:00-2:00- Summary of A Farewell to Arms
2:00-3:00- Ready for pictures
3:00-4:00- Devo's
4:00-5:00- Roommate Pictures
....... It goes on until midnight.
You understand? So it's hard saying I don't know. I can continue to say I'm praying. I'm trusting. I'm learning to become patient. But am I really? Praying is hard. I can feel myself putting up a wall between myself and my God... Why? I have had great talks with friends, I go to extra worship services (I'm not saying this to say "Look at me. Look at what I do," but merely because I've been seeking ways to see a light again.) But each time I walk away feeling more drained.
My heart hurts. I long to be home, with family. But at the same time I long to be in solitude, to find rest away from the hustle and bustle of going and doing something every second. I'm worn. I feel on edge every second of every day. I wonder what people think when they look at me. Do they see a girl seemingly happy all the time. A smile that's genuine? Or do they see a broken heart. A smile stained with last nights tears.
But today. Right now. That changes.
In this season of dryness, I have forgotten to look around me and see the many blessings that are surrounding me. Ann Voskamp says, "Being joyful isn't what makes you grateful. Being grateful is what makes you joyful." I've been looking for joy in all the wrong places. Yes, having good conversations and worshipping is GREAT, but done with the wrong intentions can leave us just as it left me: feeling lonely and drained. When we open our eyes to the ways God is continuing to bless us, our hearts can't help but turn to him in praise and thankfulness.
I may not be healed completely but through this my God WILL be glorified. "Our weakness is a vessel for his power and our flaws a canvas for his grace." This quote is written on a post-it note on my computer. It reminds me that even though I may not feel whole right in this moment, I can put my hope in the God of restoration and deliverance.
I am choosing to no longer set my mind on the worries, fears, and frustrations of this world, but I am choosing to find peace and rest in my savior. Amongst the go go go of this season I am choosing to find solitude and completeness in the presence of my God.
I am choosing to be THANKFUL.
So right now I am thankful for:
My family:
Parents that love me.
My sweet sister who makes the weirdest, funniest comments.
My roommates:
4 months ago we were all strangers. And now they're my best friends.
My best friend:
He loves Jesus, a lot.
He has such a tender heart and leads me with a strong, sure hand towards our Father's throne.
Friendships:
That have left my belly hurting from laughing so hard.
That remind me again and again of our Father's sweet love.
Quito, Ecuador. The week that changed my life.
Younglife. Pouring into the lives of younger girls.
The tears are gone. The brokenness is becoming whole again. My heart is being mending by the God who created it.
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